thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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