i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
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We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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