glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
