No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
