Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
