I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
