She's JV to your varsity
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
