Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I want her autograph on my taint
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize