ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
