someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
