Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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