I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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