I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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