wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
please come you make the beer taste better
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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