Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
