So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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