Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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