I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
