So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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