i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
