Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
