put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
