Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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