My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
