How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
