I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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