sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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