Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
