I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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