I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
