I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
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At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
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while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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