He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
