her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
