I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Boobs are out for the taking
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
