this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
