The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
