Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
