besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
