True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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