She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
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Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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