Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
