some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
