The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
