my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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