I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Randomize
