Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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