It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
