First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
