corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
