I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
