every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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