i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
