I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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