I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
