I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
