did you get engaged???
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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