I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
