omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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